Drunken MUSEings
by Soap Lady
Summary: The result of two bored authors. Smoke has sent her cohort Tia a late birthday present. What gets delivered is ambrosia, nectar of the gods. The two are sucked into Nosgoth and hilarity ensues. We hope.
1. If you give an author alcohol

_Author's Note: Sorry, guys! I'm a bit stuck on "Raising Umah". So while I'm chipping away at my Writer's Block, I leave you this complete waste of time. Er...I mean collaboration between authors._

_Warning: Contains a few naughty words and rampant weirdness. You have been warned._

_The Smoke and Tia in the story are not exactly like the real us, but we share characteristics._

_Text in italics in the body of the story indicates an online conversation via IM._

* * *

**Drunken MUSEings**

"So anyway, thanks again for the inspiration," Smoke was saying over the phone. She didn't usually give her phone number to her online friends, even co-authors. But Tia seemed mostly harmless.

Tia's gentle southern accent could be heard even over the crackling phone line. "Forget it. I just wish I could get my story to move. Ugh...it's so disheartening to work your butt off for months and then then three reviews."

"Yeah but you wrote something you can be proud of. I, on the other hand, can post some crap I pulled out of my arse and get 50 reviews a day telling me, and I quote, 'OMG U R teh r0xx0r lololol,' ."

Tia laughed so hard she could barely hold the phone. "Thanks. I needed that laugh. Tell you what; when you come to visit me in March, I'll buy the drinks."

"Watch out, kiddo. You haven't seen me drink. Hope you have enough to bankroll this lush."

"Eh. I'll start putting money into my savings account now."

Smoke hung up the phone and smiled. Tia wasn't a bad kid. A little down on her talent and way too dependent on reviews. She should just learn to ignore the fans and write whatever the hell made her happy. Dang teenagers.

A sudden thought occurred to her. Tia was NOT a teenager; she'd just had her twenty-first birthday two months ago. Booting up her computer, Smoke typed in the web address for her favorite liquor store. Some nice cream sherry was just the thing to perk up her little friend. She filled out her order form, sent her credit card number over the secure server and received a quick confirmation.

Cyberspace can be a funny thing. Sending electronic information is still an imprecise art and even the best of firewalls can fail. That was how Smoke's gift was diverted from Pete's Liquor Bucket to Hecate's High Spirits. Soon, a bottle of ambrosia was on its way to Florida.

"I've got mail! WAHOO!" Tia nearly mowed down the poor innocent mailman in her haste to grab the parcel from his hands. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and sent him on his way, confused. She hugged the package to herself when she saw the name on the return label and sprinted to the computer to thank her friend.

JanosluvR: _Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero?_

DraconicWraith: _-laughs- I take it you like your present?_

JanosluvR: _Heck yes! I'm going to try some right now!_

DraconicWraith: _Bottom's up! Hope you have enough food in your stomach to absorb the booze._

Tia ripped open the box and peered inside. Nestled in yards of what looked like silk was a cut crystal decanter. Smoke had clearly gone all out for her. She twisted open the top and sniffed the contents; it smelled like honey and figs, with a touch of pomegranate. She pour herself a glass, saluted the computer screen, and drank.

She felt strange. Unused as she was to alcohol, Tia couldn't be sure this was normal. Her head swam and suddenly her mind was filled with images of the infinite possibilities. She could see threads of dozens of plot lines, twisting and weaving together into a beautiful tapestry. So much was out there to be explored. Her fingers itched for her notebook so she could write this all down before it faded away. Damn! Where did Smoke find this stuff? She'd order a case!

Suddenly the bottom seemed to fall out of her stomach and she was overwhelmed by vertigo. It was as if her whole body was rearranging itself on a molecular level. Her scalp tingled as her hair grew longer, past her hips and then wound itself upward in an artful style upon her head. Stained t-shirt and ratty shorts became a flowing chiton. Tia's bones ached as she grew taller. She ran to the bathroom mirror and looked at herself in fascinated horror.

She was a muse.

DraconicWraith: _So, how is it?_

JanosluvR: _WTF???!_

DraconicWraith?

JanosluvR: _Where in the nine hells did you buy this weird ass crap? I'm a muse! A frickin' MUSE!_

DraconicWraith: ._..Damn girl, how much did you drink? Too much sherry can kill you, you know._

JanosluvR: I_'m sitting here dressed like an extra from Xena with the weirdest ass sherry in the world and I'm now six feet all and my boobs could shade a small state._

DraconicWraith: _And you're complaining...why?_

JanosluvR: _Ooooh! Funny! Gee...thanks for the sympathy! Don't you know what this means? I can never write for myself again! I'm doomed to inspire the imaginations of others but never a story for myself._

DraconicWraith: _All with the body of a topless dancer. Oh, it sucks to be you._

JanosluvR: _...I hate you_

DraconicWraith: _Hey, if you're a muse, shouldn't you be able to come up with a better story than that? Why are you even bitching? Why not just use this to inspire me right into the New York Bestseller's List and a condo?_

JanosluvR: _Ok, listen up, Miss Smart Ass. You're gonna help me get back my life. Call one of your wiccan friends, kill a bunny. Hell...summon The Great Pumpkin. But if I don't have my real body back in two seconds-_

"-I'm gonna fill your head with Care Bears fan fiction and-" Tia stopped and stared, confused by her surroundings. Smoke started at the sound of another human voice in her room and turned around. "Um...I think I owe you an apology."

"No shit." One hand still clutched the decanter while the either tried vainly to pull the bodice of her chiton higher. "Who the hell is 'Hecate's High Spirits' anyway?"

Smoke grabbed the bottle and looked at it. "Beats the crap outta me. I ordered you something from Pete's."

Smoke grabbed an empty glass from the desk and began to pour out a sample of the liqueur.

"Yeah, great idea," Tia noted dryly. "Now we'll both never write again."

"Y'know, I'm starting to believe this."

Smoke set the glass back on the desk, though she was loathe to waste any alcohol.

"Thanks ever so much for your understanding," Tia wanted to cry. "Now I'll never finish that Vorador story!"

Smoke's fingers twitched in desire to return to the keyboard. "Yeah yeah...semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic powers. It's the end of the world." Smoke thought quietly to herself and then her expression slowly changed from pensive to devilish amusement. "You wanna have some fun?"

Tia flopped down on Smoke's impossibly messy bed and giggled like a two-year-old. "Let's write a Legacy of Kain story, shall we?"

Hours later, Smoke pushed away the keyboard and rubbed her hands, willing the feeling to return to them. When would she learn to keep her big mouth shut around Muses?

"God, you're so frickin' lazy. It's only been four hours."

Smoke nearly whimpered. "I have to potty."

"Oh, fine," Tia stood up and stretched. "Next thing you know you'll want food as well."

"Yeah," Smoke paused in the doorway. "You want something?"

"Nah," the Muse reached for the bottle and took a swig. "I'm good. I think this is all I need now."

"Oh gross. I'll never try that crap now."

"That's the idea. Duh."

Smoke returned with a sandwich and plopped back down in front of the computer. What neither woman noticed was that a drop of the ambrosia had landed on the keyboard. Tia had sloshed her drink a bit while Smoke was gone and a tiny bit ended up on the 'enter' key. Thus when Smoke entered the next line of her story, all hell broke loose.


	2. You're not on Earth any more, Toto

_Author's Note: Thanks, Razielim Vampiress, for the review and good advice. Thanks for the hits, guys and gals and please review! Tis like cake to an author._

_Vorador is still refusing to let me write him. Darn stubborn human-hating pointy eared Kermit-looking...grrr._

_Well, enjoy and tell me what you thought._

The room whirled sickeningly around them (as it always seems to do during a teleport), and then disappeared altogether. The new Muse grunted as Smoke landed on her spleen. The Writer looked around and nearly wet herself when she recognized her surroundings. The Sanctuary of the Clans. Not as she'd seen it in Soul Reaver but grand and beautiful and stately.

Unfortunately it was also filled to the gills (No pun on Rahab) with vampires who seemed torn between righteous anger at the human intrusion and hungry amusement that lunch had delivered itself.

Raziel approached them, sexy arrogance in every line of his body. Smoke could see that he hadn't even grown his wings yet. That was good because she didn't want to witness seeing him thrown in the giant green toilet.

Smoke gulped and did what any sane person person would have done when confronted with an angry hunk of vamp meat. She screamed her fool head off.

Tia had recovered her senses and pushed Smoke off of her. The Writer babbled incoherently about blood lust, not wanting to die and Captain Morgan. Finally her hysterical tirade ended, leaving her throat raw and sore. Tia plucked a throat lozenge from nowhere and fed it to Smoke, hoping in her panic the little nitwit didn't choke.

Tia scrambled to her feet, dragging Smoke with her. Raziel continued regarding them dispassionately, like unlabeled specimens at the zoo. The author calmed down enough to stare at the lieutenant's lack of shirt.

"What do you humans want here? More importantly, what strange sorcery did you use to penetrate our defenses?" His voice was smooth, authoritative and sensual all at once. It danced along Smoke's skin and even the Muse looked impressed. Whatever they were paying Michael Bell, it wasn't enough.

Tia spread her empty hands to show she held no weapons. Smoke wisely hid behind her.

At least three responses instantly sprang to mind:

Tia We come in peace.

Tia We're here to help you with the domination of the human race.

Tia We're the new concubines you ordered.

She quickly decided that the concubine comment would cause Smoke to squeak and pass out. The domination option was out as well; they didn't need help from humans and if they couldn't deliver, they'd be dead. That left the most cliched comment known to man.

"We come in peace," when Raziel didn't openly scoff at her she continued; "We are traveling sorceresses from another world. Knowledge is a precious commodity and we wish to learn from other intelligent beings."

Tia curtsied respectfully and Raziel looked her over appreciatively. If she hadn't been so terrified Smoke would have growled. Muse powers came with considerable assets. Smoke could have cheerfully strangled Tia if the younger woman wasn't so nice. Bitch.

Raziel looked Smoke over as well but with considerably less interest in her form. "Is that so? Well then, you do not mind if we test your powers? I would see for myself these skills of yours."

Sweet zombie Jesus. Smoke began to sweat. She had a bad feeling that she was either going to be eaten or converted. She squeezed Tia's shoulder, seeking reassurance. Tia nodded and suddenly Smoke felt power surge through her. She instantly took back all her snarky thoughts as her fingers crackled with energy. A ball of energy surrounded her and she concentrated, sending a bolt of lightning through the ceiling. The room shook and a chunk of stone sheared off the walls, missing Zephon by inches.

"Rather convincing display," the second weakest of Kain's brood seemed nonchalant about his near demise. "These humans are not so useless as the other cattle. They might be amusing. That is if the other one is as talented as her little friend."

Smoke's first instinct was to make a sarcastic comment about spiders but Tia chose that moment to nudge Smoke's shoe with her bare toe. This was a covert signal to play along, basically a gentle, silent way of saying 'Don't blow it, idiot.'

"I will allow you to judge for yourself, sir," Tia disentangled herself from her nigh hysterical friend and held out her right hand. A spectral aura shimmered to life around her. The Muse closed her eyes in concentration and within moments a blood fountain appeared in the throne room.

The two women were all but forgotten as the six lieutenants dashed to the fountain to taste the sweet blood that flowed from its banks. After sating his thirst Raziel glided over to them, his expression now one of interest and mild respect. "Our lord Kain must be petitioned in order for you to stay in our land. For now, please make yourself welcome in my castle." The other lieutenants seemed ready to protest but he silenced them all with a glare. As first born, he received first pick of everything. The others knew this but Raziel had always been generous with his brothers and so they knew they would all get a chance to play with the interesting humans.

"And where is Kain...if you...don't mind my asking," Smoke fought the urge to dive behind Tia again but Raziel now saw her, if not as an equal at least not prey. "Our lord is at his retreat in the mountains. I will send a message inviting him to meet you at my castle. This may take some time, you understand. Kain is no one's to command; he arrives and departs when he wills it to be so and not before. No need not worry," Raziel's smile was almost kind. 'I swear on the blood of my sire and my clan that no harm will come to you unless Kain himself commands it."

Tia was not completely reassured with this statement but nodded gracefully and nudged Smoke into following her lead. "We are honored to accept your hospitality. I am Tia the Muse and this Lady Smoke of Dimensia. May we know your name, sir?" She damn well what his name and all the vampires' names but she knew it would arouse suspicion if she didn't ask her host's name. Tia wasn't sure if Raziel would believe she was a Seer as well and didn't want to press her luck.

"Please, follow me," Raziel led the way outdoors. Dusk had fallen and the sanctuary was deathly quiet; most humans hid at this time to avoid vampire hunting parties. Tia followed and Smoke clung to her arm as if clutching a giant boobalicious teddy bear.

"This is not good," Smoke quietly squeaked the obvious. "Get us out of here."

"We're fine," Tia murmured back, glad that Raziel was not paying attention.

"Just don't do anything stupid," Tia added.

Raziel showed his guests to their quarters. "There are some affairs that require my attention, but I will be back shortly."

Once they were sure they were alone, Smoke gave off a restrained yelp. "What the hell is going on here?"

"You're a LOK author, and I was until I got Mused," "We are now living in a LOK story. If you play along and don't get us killed, we will get out of this."

"I don't like this," Smoke insisted, ready to choke Tia. "Get us out of here."

Tia smirked. "You would turn your back on every LOK fan's dream? I can't get us out, we've got to keep going."

Smoke sighed in surrender. "Okay fine. Do you at least have a plan for when we meet Kain?"

Tia shrugged. "Just try to impress him without pissing him off."

Smoke started shaking. "How am I supposed to do that? Sure, we managed to trick them into thinking I could summon lightening."

"You did that yourself. See what else you can do."

Smoke concentrated on her favorite element, and suddenly the curtains on the bed burst into flames.

Tia extinguished the flames with a wave of her hand. "Water is the best defense we could ask for against vamps. Hell, you could take out Kain with a Super Soaker."

Shaken by the unexpected results, Smoke then tried water. Fortunately, this time the results were more controlled and she produced a water otter that danced and played until dismissed.

Smoke continued to play with additional powers until a thought occurred to her. "Should we warn Raziel?"

"Um...great idea. Let's tell the guy who worships his 'Daddy' that's he's going to be horribly betrayed. I thought you wanted to get out of here alive."

"I do, but... He doesn't deserve it." Smoke pouted for a moment and suddenly said, "I know, I'll write him a letter. That way, we'll be gone by the time he finds it."

Tia rolled her eyes. Even though Smoke's hair was as dark as any vampire's, she acted like a complete blonde.

The muse pulled a small white bottle out of nowhere and sipped from it. The smell of chocolate and liquor was unmistakable.

Smoke looked surprised. "How'd ya do that?"

Tia shrugged. "Muse power and _no_ you can't have any. We need you sober. _I'm _the lush in this story."

"Oh..._this_ is fair. And how do you figure you're the only one who gets to drink?"

Tia brushed an imaginary crumb off her bodice. "I'm a drunken Muse, born of alcohol and ideas. Booze helps fuel my creativity."

"What makes you say that?"

Tia shrugged. "I dunno, I'm making this up as I go."

Smoke scoffed at her. "Hey now, I didn't buy it when I read that about Hemingway and I'm not buying it from you."

At that moment, a knock sounded at the door. Before Tia or Smoke had time to react, Raziel opened it and said, "Kain wishes to meet you. There must be no delay."

Tia curtsied, causing Raziel's attention to once again be riveted by her ample bosom. "As His Majesty wishes."


	3. Out of the Frying Pan, into the lava

_Author's note: Hey, thanks for all the views! Please review, it's like my bread and butter. I love hearing your opinions. And if anyone has suggestions for "Raising Umah", let me know. Thanks again, for the beta, Razielim Vampiress :D_

Struck by inspiration, or perhaps that was Smoke's big feet, Tia waved an invisible wand and incanted "Bibbidy bobbidy boo". The author's clothes were instantly changed into fitting court attire.

Raziel was appropriately impressed. "A rather interesting use of magic."

"A practical one, sir. One never knows what sort of wardrobe is appropriate when traveling," the Muse quipped as they were led down the hall.

"Speaking of practical," Smoke mumbled as she stumbled awkwardly. She bent down and picked up a pair of high-heeled clogs before jogging to catch up with the both of them.

The muse berated her for being barefoot, even though she herself had no shoes. "I want my boots," Smoke whined.

"Oh, fine" the clogs became the finest kid boots. Raziel felt confused and out of place in this conversation but some male instinct told him not to get involved with women and their footwear.

Raziel stopped to allow the little Writer to catch up. "I had forgotten how slowly humans move," he remarked.

Smoke rubbed her poor toes. Yep, she could definitely feel a blister coming on. "I wish we had some bicycles."

"I can do you one better," Tia pointed and a pedal powered rickshaw rose from the ground. Raziel almost asked what the strange contraption was and thought the better of it.

Smoke shrieked as her clothing turned into spandex that left nothing to the imagination. Unfortunately, her form did not live up to any normal person's fantasy.

Raziel was beginning to wonder whether or not it was wise to grant sanctuary to these two. This could not be normal human behavior.

"If you would please come with me," Raziel insisted, not from his own impatience but for the displeasure of his sire.

"Of course," Tia murmured. She imagined the otherwise dignified vampire would crap himself if his sire was annoyed.

Smoke grumbled under her breath about the muse being a lazy little brat as she stood on the pedals to get the odd contraption moving. Fortunately, once they were moving, they made good time over the hard-packed soil and stones of the road.

The Muse lounged comfortably behind Smoke, occasionally humming the Wicked Witch theme from the Wizard of Oz. Raziel jogged ahead of them, the sight of the leather hugging his behind encouraged the author to pedal harder and faster until she was panting with...exertion. Whereas the Muse was getting a less desirable view.

"Dear Ra, it looks like a spider eating."

"One more comment and you're walking, you lush."

"Ladies...please."

They soon reached the base of the mountain and began to make their way up the steep slope when Smoke became so distracted by Raziel hind end she careened off the path and landed the two humans sprawled in a ditch.

Slowly, painfully, the Writer and Muse crawled out the ditch. Smoke rubbed her head and fumed in embarrassment. Tia tutted over the damage to the bike.

"If you think I was going to pedal up that mountain, you're cracked."

"Sheesh what a puss," the Muse sighed wearily. "Fine."

With a gesture, the two of them were clean again, Smoke restored to the courtly garb. Tia clasped her hands over her chest and the three of them rose, buoyed by winged spirits to the top of the mountains. Raziel found himself wondering what else these strange ones were capable of.

Smoke was a lot more vocal. "You mean to tell me we could have done that at ANY TIME?!"

Tia looked at her solemnly. "No, not at any time." Her expression turned puckish. "Only when it was funny!"

"Alright, Roger..."

Smoke screeched and threw a lightning bolt at her friend without thinking. It passed harmlessly through her and took out an innocent tree. "Muses can't be harmed, remember?"

"Dammit."

Tia yawned as Raziel lectured them on proper etiquette in front of the Lord and Master.

"And remember not to use your powers unless my Lord requests a demonstration. The Master would not appreciate your...high spirits...as I do."

Smoke stopped being a bitch and sighed dotingly at how Raziel didn't seem bothered by their antics. So cute. So insanely cute. Too bad he'd drain her dry if she made him angry enough or if ordered to. "As you wish."

Outside of Kain's door, Raziel whispered. "Allow me to enter first. Do not speak until invited to."

Kain's main hall was everything one would expect in your average King Arthur movie. The architecture was grand and imposing. Huge tapestries and stained glass windows depicted the emperor's conquests and that of his sons. Marble statues were on display, crying to all who came here the wealth and power of the owner. There had to be millions of dollars gilding the walls and ceiling. Not to mention precious stones and silver.

Smoke gaped and gawked wordlessly while the Muse attempted to pretend like all this was routine to her. The two women obediently followed the lieutenant inside, mindful of their manners and silent. They felt the eyes of the other five lieutenants upon them but pretended to take no notice of their presence, their gaze firmly straight ahead.

Raziel strode forward into the hall, pausing only to kneel in submission. When he regained his feet he announced:

"My Lord, I bring to you the two sorceresses that dare have the audacity to enter your lands."

Smoke and Tia walked forward. Acting on some strange inspiration, Smoke did not copy Raziel's prostration, but instead bowed deeply before the emperor, her eyes never losing sight of him.

The Lord of Nosgoth sat on an elaborately carved stone throne. The Soul Reaver was propped up against his throne, within easy reach of his claws. A deadly and sinister badge of office. His eyes coldly assessed them. The polygon version did not do him justice. He was magnificent and ferocious; the lion of the pride, alpha of the wolf; all the manly cliches. Tia tried to avert her eyes from the huge bulge in his pants. She hoped that was just a cup.

"I am Kain, Lord of Nosgoth. All that exists in my demenses belongs to me. And now, that would include you. What right have to you intrude on my holdings?" Kain smirked evilly, displaying his prominent fangs.

Smoke nearly creamed herself at the sound of that deadly seductive voice. Tia did her best to hide her awe and look respectful. "I am Tia the Muse and my companion is Lady Smoke of Dimensia. We come in peace, my lord. With your kind permission, we ask to visit your land and learn from you."

Kain raised his taloned hand and the Muse sprang forward, compelled by telekinesis. Smoke grabbed onto Raziel tightly, who was trying not to notice her exposed neck. It was the height of rudeness to feed before the Master in his own hall.

"No one has ever used 'kind' in reference to me. And it is I who shall learn from you, provided that you possess anything that I could find of value."

Tia raised her head and met Kain's amber eyes. She had a feeling it would be a mistake to back down now. "In that case my lord, allow me to instruct you."

The Muse willed herself away from Kain's grip and hovered in midair. All but Kain gasped in surprise. She willed herself a magnificent pair of wings and instinctively knew her body was turning blue. Well, that got everyone's attention.

Tia tried to remember some of the powers Janos had in Defiance and gave up. Screw it, she'll just summon some demons. There was a collective cry from the vampires as the creatures appeared but Tia eliminated quickly with green bursts of energy. She then flew around the room in concentric circles before landing before Kain. She bowed and returned to her normal appearance. If the Lord of Vampires was impressed, he hid it well.

Kain clapped languidly three times. "Very amusing. You may be interesting enough to allow to live." His eyes turned to Smoke. "And what can you do, little one?"

Oh, good. She had to follow THAT. Well, better try something cool before he killed her.

Timidly, Smoke released her death grip on Raziel's arm and traipsed forward. As she fought her panic with calming breaths, she felt inspiration flow into her. Unlike his throne room at the sanctuary of the clans, Kain's private audience chamber was decorated from floor to ceiling with fine object d'art. She willed for several antique vases to raise into the air. Sending them into flight, as one would expect from a flock of birds, Smoke then fired bolts of lightening at the vessels. Each bolt connected with its target, but caused no damage.

"Am I supposed to be impressed with that paltry display?" Kain sneered.

Smoke bowed again as she explained, her words lilted with the care she chose them with.

"I restrained my energy for the purpose of this demonstration. I did not wish to cause damage to your possessions."

"An interesting excuse," Kain said as he rose from his throne.

Smoke fought the urge to run as she watched the deadly predator stalk towards her with catlike grace. It was several moments before she realized that the Reaver was in his hand.

Without conscious thought, Smoke telekinetically wrenched a decorative spear from the wall and brought it up to block Kain's attack.

Metal clanged on metal as the Reaver rebounded off the inferior weapon. Kain stepped back and brought his weapon around again, a strange fire in his eyes. Smoke stumbled as she blocked another swing from the deadly blade. In the back of her mind, she noticed the Reaver flashing blue and hungering for her soul. A third strike shattered the spear, and Smoke flung away the broken pieces as she dodged away from the infuriated vampire. By now, she was trembling like a rabbit.

The air around Smoke shimmered and her gown became armor. The broken fragments reformed and became pure light. She now could fight from a position of strength, if not superiority. Beside Raziel, Tia smirked behind her hand and tried to look as though this was an every day occurrence. She wondered if Smoke knew she was helping.

Kain took his opponent's change in appearance in stride and attacked again. Though her movements spoke of fear and desperation, she countered his volley of attacks. Suddenly, Kain feinted and managed to catch Smoke off-guard. Knocked her weapon out of her hands and seized her by the throat. Despite the constriction, an astonishingly loud shriek of terror pierced the air.

Then, the entire room exploded into light as electricity ripped through the air. When the chaos died down, Kain merely considered the struggling human in his grasp. Kain released his grip on Smoke, and she collapsed to the floor in an undignified heap. He sheathed his sword and took a step or two away from her, allowing Smoke to scramble to her feet.

"You are right to fear me. However, that you could survive for even a moment against me is a testament to your skill."

Kain projected his voice for all to hear. "Until I decide otherwise, these human females will be treated as guests. As such, they will not be harmed or fed upon. Except perhaps by me," his smile was feral. "Now then, let us indulge our hunger while our guests do the same in their own fashion."

With a gesture, Kain summoned a gaggle of human servants to serve the women while trays of blood-filled goblets were wheeled in for the vampires pleasure. The clan leaders sneered at this "spoon fed" fare but playing the gracious host seemed to entertain Kain for now and he assumed seeing their fellow creatures served as food might disturb the visitors' digestion. They dared not complain too loudly in their sire's presence.

Tia chided Smoke for drinking the wine. "You're supposed to stay sober, remember? Why do all your stories contain rampant drinking anyway?"

"You underestimate me," Smoke calmly answered as she took another sip of wine. Tia turned the flagon of wine into mountain dew. Smoke nearly choked. "I'm the Drunken Muse, remember? I'm supposed to be drinking this," Tia downed her glass and poured herself another. Smoke rolled her eyes and started talking to Melchiah, who was seated on her right.

The two of them swiftly fell into a conversation about tanning leather.

"You take the brains and rub them into the hide," Smoke answered, momentarily forgetting that she was speaking of human products.

While the vampires indulged their gift and Smoke pointedly ignored her companion, the Muse was becoming incredibly inebriated with every passing moment. This was dangerous for many reasons; for one, she had a remarkably low alcohol tolerance. Her Muse powers increased dramatically while her self-control and healthy fear of Kain diminished.

Tia stood up and clanged her spoon against her golden goblet. The sound was jarring enough to ensure all eyes were upon her, irritated though they were. "I would like to propose a toast." Suddenly it started raining heated bread indoors. She giggled and continued, "Nah, not that kind. I propose a toast; to Raziel, for having such a magnificent behind it ran Smoke off the road. Truly sir, your ass is a thing of beauty that should be rendered in stone for all to see. Mount Buttocks. It'll be a tourist attraction for years to come."

Smoke hid her face in shame behind her napkin. Some of the brethren snickered at their elder brother's expense but were silence by a mild glance from their sire. Kain seemed torn between irritation and cruel mirth.

"I don't know her that well. We just met in a chat room, honest," the Writer murmured to her dining companions.

Raziel coughed nervously. The earth never swallowed one when necessary. He was beginning to regret sparing their lives. "It is...kind of you to say that, but traditionally a guest always toasts her host first, not the host's offspring. I believe an apology is in order."

Tia bowed her head, the action made her dizzy but she continued and gave Kain a proper salute. "You're right, cutie. A toast and a round of applause to Kain, the world's biggest, most bloodthirsty badass. And may I say sir," she gave Kain an inebriated leer. "You have an amazing package. I'm not just saying that to be polite either. I grew up in cattle country and you'd make even a Brahma bull suffer from penis envy. I don't suppose I could convince you to pose naked for me could I? We'd make a mint."

Kain's face remained impassive, save for a vein throbbing in his temple. Those who knew him would recognize the clenched claws imbedding themselves in his chair and would either flee or kill themselves to escape his wrath. The Muse was blissfully unaware of the approaching storm. Smoke was wondering if she could teleport herself without Tia. But then, where in Nosgoth could she hide?

"C'mon, you guys! Where's the applause for your sire? Hell, I'll make my own." She waved her arms and the statues began to clap, the sound of stone on stone loud and grating. With another drunken gesture, it stopped.

Tia turned back to Kain and bowed respectfully. "If you don't mind me saying so, Hot Pants, this place could really use some dinner entertainment."

"By all means. Why don't you provide it," Kain's voice was dangerously soft.

"Good idea!" The Muse held her arms out and willed a statue of a dying maiden to change. Smoke hid under the table when she saw the statue now looked like Umah, down to the purple underwear. The author was wondering how the situation could get any worse when the figure began to dance.

What a drunken Muse thought of as dancing was highly questionable. In this case, the marble statue began to bump and grind to "Milkshake".

Having a statue that looked like the lost "love" of the King of Vampires was not the wisest choice. This error was compounded by the aforementioned statue now pole dancing around a column.

Melchiah peered under the tablecloth at the coward under the table. "Why would a dancing statue disturb the master so?"

Smoke risked a peek up at him. Does the name 'Umah' ring a bell?"

"No, it doesn't. Why?"

"Don't worry about it, then."

Tia hiccuped and a wad of dollar bills fell into the lap of a very very perturbed Kain. "There ya go, sweetie! C'mon Umah! Give the emperor a lap dance!"

The statue clumsily gyrated in Kain's direction with full intention of planting itself in Kain's lap. However, it never got the chance as Kain stood with a yell of fury ripping from his throat.

Smoke's senses cleared from the blind panic that was prompted by Kain's outburst and she realized that all six of Kain's lieutenants had joined her in the meager shelter of the table. It was then she actually realized how bad the situation truly was.

The very angry Vampire Lord faced down the Muse, her face flushed by the alcohol. "Have you anything to say about this amazing lack of manners and good sense, girl?"

Turel whispered to his older brother. "Raziel, stick your head up and see if it's over."

Raziel seemed startled. "Why me?"

"Because you're his favorite, and he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you."

The Writer snorted. _Don't count on that, pal, _she thought to herself.

"Would you rather it had been Ariel?"

The earth shuddered as Kain growled in rage and then shattered every marble statue in a massive telekinetic blast. Colossal hunks of stone flew about the room, splintering chairs to kindling. Smoke found herself able to shield herself and her shelter mates. Of Tia, there was no sound.

Kain wrenched the table over and grabbed Smoke from among the huddle of frightened vampires. "And have you anything to add?"

Strangely, Smoke was completely calm despite the situation. She kept her eyes lowered as she said, "I am deeply embarrassed by the actions of my companion."

Kain, dissatisfied with the answer, gave the suspended author a rough shake. "Please, I didn't know she would do such a thing," Smoke added, her calm beginning to dissipate.

A third shaking prompted Smoke to break down in tears. "I don't wanna die! I hate that fucking muse, she's been nothing but trouble for me!"

"Nice, Smoke," Tia sneered. She stood behind Kain, not a hair on her head mussed from the recent explosion. Kain's attack had caused the muse to dissipate into a cloud of concept. She had now reformed, much to everyone's surprise. "And may I remind you we wouldn't even _be_ in this situation if someone hadn't bought my liquor from a non-secure website."

For the first time that night, Kain's feelings actually registered in his expression. "Aren't you dead?"

"So are you, but it doesn't seem to slow you down."

In a burst of light, Smoke disappeared from Kain's grasp and reappeared beside Tia. "Forgive me for being presumptuous, Kain, but no one kills this one but me."

The emperor's eyes narrowed. Understanding gathered at the edges of his consciousness and he gazed at her as if seeing her for the first time. "You are not precisely human. Not anymore. Are you?"

"Fuck, you just figured that out?" the Muse shouted.

"Leave us!" Kain ignored this latest insult and barked out an order at his sons. Those who hadn't snuck away quietly scampered away as fast as their vampiric speed would take them.

Kain could not recall the last time his confidence had wavered. Though he was sure that his sons had imagined the worst, and that they had been dismissed for their own safety, Kain was actually afraid of losing face. This "Muse" was truly a force to be reckoned with.

He carefully schooled his features into an expression of indifference and addressed Tia. "You and your traveling companion will leave Nosgoth at once." This was his attempt at maintaining dominance.

Smoke opened her mouth to agree when the Muse smirked at the vampire lord and said, "No."

Kain growled softly. "I demand that you at least behave yourselves then. I will...forgive your transgressions because your abilities are somewhat useful."

Tia pondered this for a minute. She let Kain know by the look on her face that she knew he did not have the power to force them to leave.

"I am a Muse. I am the power of the Idea given human form. I predate the spoken word." The room resounded with this speech and Kain could sense the energy emanating from what appeared to be a weak human female. If he were lucky, she would at least leave him with his kingdom. If not...

Tia's fierce expression melted away and she took pity on the poor beleaguered emperor. "But I apologize for my rudeness. You may not command me," she ignored Kain's protest, "but I _do _have to be a gracious guest."

With that, she restored the room to its former beauty, though the statue of the dying maiden retained Umah's features. Kain found himself eaten with curiosity and wondered how this creature could possibly know who the vampiress had been. He felt a bit of trepidation about what else she could have known, including his destiny.

The Muse smiled knowingly. "You are right, you know. There's a third option. And the coin is still turning."

Kain was shocked. Did this Muse have access to the chronoplast? It was better not to ask.

Tia approached Kain and held out her arms. "Your children will expect you to reprimand me. I offer myself up for punishment."

Ah, she was allowing him to save face. It chafed him to be beholden to her but at the moment he had no choice. He could feel an unknown hand guiding events and only hoped this hidden puppet master would soon grow tired of him and move on.

Kain nodded and made deep gouges in the Muse's face and arms with his claws. The little human gasped in alarm and he grinned at her. She'd be next if he had his way, but for now this was enough.

The emperor stepped back from his "guests" and bellowed for his oldest child. Raziel cautiously entered the room, surprised to find it intact. He was even more shocked to see the humans breathing.

"Since you were foolish enough to offer sanctuary to these witches, I charge you with their care. Keep them out of trouble."

Raziel lead the two sorceresses from the sanctuary, a cold lump in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't fathom how he could keep such powerful beings from angering his Lord again. He showed them back to their rooms and departed as swiftly as etiquette would allow without another word.

Tia flopped down on the four poster bed. "Damn, this is posh! I didn't think we'd walk out of there. I've always wanted one of these!"

"It's only your Muse powers that saved us, y'know. I didn't have a chance," Smoke remarked gloomily.

The Muse turned her head. "What's up your arse?"

"Think about it. Not only does Kain and Raziel hate us, we're stuck in a land before indoor plumbing, medicine or basic hygiene."

"Aw, c'mon. You're so lucky! You get to meet your fave characters and then write about them." Tia sighed. "I wanna do what you do."

"You do, huh? In that case, I was going to play in traffic. And drink bleach."

"Hey if I could write, I'd write our asses out of here!" Tia blinked. "Damn! I'm such a frickin' moron!"

"No argument here."

The Muse lovingly smacked her and stood up, finding parchment and quills at the writing desk. "Here ya go, kiddo. Write our asses out of here."

"Sure, why not? Glad I took that calligraphy class." Smoke examined the feathered quills. "You think these are Janos' feathers?"

"Quit being an ass and write. I'm gonna drink some more wine."

Smoke scribbled furiously while the florid muse shouted drunken ideas from the bed. It was this strange tableau that Raziel walked into.

He had berated himself for saving the women and offering them sanctuary. His sire had insisted _he_ be the one to watch over them; Raziel could not think of a harsher punishment.

"Done! Let's get out of here!"

At Smoke's words, a blue vortex opened up in the room and Writer, Muse, and confused vampire were swept into the twenty-first century.


	4. The Accidental Tourists

_Author's Note: Wow! Two stories updated withing days of each other? What are the odds? Special thanks to Zidane and Dragonswing0 yet again for this one. The brainstorming helped tremendously._

_Smoke has gone AWOL from LoK fandom so I might have to finish all this by myself :(. Please as always read and review!_

**Drunken MUSEings**

The Accidental Tourists. Or: Look What the Hacks Dragged In.

Smoke and Tia fell onto Smoke's bed, Raziel sandwiched in between them. In any other situation this might have been viewed as kinky but with the narrowness of Smoke's bed it was more awkward and uncomfortable. Moreover, Smoke's elbow was in Raziel's eye and the Muse could swear she felt an action figure embedding itself into her butt cheek.

"What is this place?"

All three looked up to see Kain looking around the small room with its scattered contents with disbelief. Seeing his sire, Raziel leapt from the bed, tumbling the two women onto the floor. His hands went to his hair in a vain attempt to look less disheveled.

"It's my room." Smoke found her feet and her voice about the same time. Tia lay in a fetal position on the floor. "Something's digging into my kidney."

Kain spotted an eerily familiar figure on Smoke's bookcase. Tia slowly got to her feet as the emperor thrust it into Smoke's face. "And what is this...abomination?"

"Oh, yeah. That was the first Kain figure ever made. Butt ugly ain't it?" the Muse piped up.

Kain slammed the offending object against the bookcase, causing its head to pop off and hit Raziel in the crotch. Legions of fan girls cried out all over the world without knowing why.

"Hey, that was expensive!" the little author protested.

It would have been better if she had not spoken and attracted his attention. "What do you mean by 'figure'? Why are there images of me in this strange place?" He looked about the room and sudden chill swept over him. "You...are not in league with the Hylden, are you?"

Tia sighed. If Kain were going to get pissed at anyone, he should get pissed with Neca for making those ugly things. "You wanna show him or should I?"

"Nah, I'll do it. It's my house." Smoke turned on her game system, popped in Blood Omen 2 and showed the emperor himself speaking to Umah.

Kain and Raziel stared, transfixed at the screen while Tia hastily hid all the wraith figures. She didn't want to break Raziel's poor little brain. She did show him the lieutenant figure once his gaze turned away from the TV.

"Look, sire, I am here as well," Raziel's expression was amazed as he showed the figure to Kain.

"Yours seems better constructed," Kain grumbled. "Enough. I have seen enough. Now you will explain yourself." Kain tried to use his telekinesis to draw Smoke to him but found he could not.

"My...my powers! They have deserted me!"

"Hey, it's okay," Tia hoped her voice was soothing, "I'm sure it happens to every vampire now and then."

"Not to ME, dammit!" Kain snapped back, more embarrassed than angry. Raziel felt his teeth with his tongue and was amazed to find his fangs missing.

Smoke sighed. "You too should sit down." Tia cleaned the room with a wave of her hand and summoned a comfortable couch for them all. "The world as you know it, isn't real. It's all a fantasy, created by humans. It's a game. You are also a human's creation. A woman by the name of Amy Henning."

"Her power must be great indeed to create an entire world," Kain said softly.

"That and she had powerful CG technology at her disposal," Tia added.

All the fight seemed to go out of Kain as he digested this new information. "I am...a lie. My entire empire a creation..." Raziel raised his hand politely as if in class. "What is...'see gee' ?"

"Computer graphics." At Raziel's confused expression Smoke elaborated. "We have all sorts of technology even the Hylden couldn't conceive. Computers, automobiles and..." she broke off and looked at Kain. "How did you know how to come here?"

The emperor shrugged half-heartedly. "What was there to know? I saw where you had gone and simply followed."

Raziel sighed. "So...what now? Can you send us back?"

Tia gaped at him. "You would want to go back? After what we just said?"

Raziel glanced at his sire as if for approval and continued. "False world, false history...it may be as you say, but it still our home. Your technological advances may be wonderful but...this sounds like a world that is no place for vampire."

Tia's tone was gentle. "No. And yes. Most people think vampires are myths. Those that do believe like to dress up and role play but they aren't like you. And there's hundreds of books and movies and TV shows. Vampires are seen as powerful and strong symbols of sexuality," she thought she saw Kain smile at that. "But no...this is no world for you."

Kain nodded in agreement. "Still...I am curious about what this world has to offer. Will you...act as guide?" It chafed him to ask a favor of anyone, especially with all the grief these two had caused them. But they were his only way home. Raziel was correct; he had no place here.

Smoke felt sorry for the two displaced vamps and tried to cheer them up. "Hey...thanks for being so civil about this. I'd be freaking out in your position. Just goes to show what a truly awesome guys you are." Hey, if flattery made them stop moping she was all for it. "Why don't we take you out? There's a mall nearby. It has a movie theatre. Then maybe some bar hopping."

Raziel looked up in surprise. "We...can eat in this world? And what is a mall? I know what a theatre is but what are movies?"

Smoke spent the next fifteen minutes explaining to Raziel about her world while Tia got it into her dirty little head to show Kain the internet. Of course, they ended up on deviant art.

"Disgusting filth!" The vampire lord was aghast. "I would never copulate with my offspring! Show me these blasphemers, so I may rid the world of them!"

The Muse shrugged. "Dude, calm down. A lot of fans read way too much into a damn video game, so they think you two are gay."

Raziel turned to Smoke in confusion. "My lady, what is...'gay' ?"

Smoke explained the term as gently as she could and the two vampires gasped in horror. Raziel looked close to tears. Kain looked nauseous.

Smoke risked giving the lieutenant a little hug. "I know what will cheer you up. A makeover!"

The vampires blinked and the writer explained. "You can't go around the human world looking like that. Not in the daytime anyway. Tia can disguise you with a human form and take it off when you decide to go home."

"As long as the change isn't permanent," Kain muttered darkly.

Tia rose, smiled, and held out her hands to the emperor, who took them cautiously. She closed her eyes and Kain felt a warmth flood his body, seductive as an orgasm and twice as powerful. She beckoned him to a mirror and he stared in astonishment as he beheld his human face. He allowed himself a smile. He HAD been a rather handsome rake in his day. His garments had also changed into a modern day shirt and khaki slacks. He preferred his own clothing but this would do. Tia grinned and suddenly the pants were butter soft leather. Much better.

"Ooooh! Do Raziel!" Smoke quivered with excitement.

At Tia's perverted leer Smoke hastily amended her statement. "I meant give him the human treatment too. Not his human self. He was a douche bag. Sorry, hon." she apologized to a confused Raziel. Kain nodded in agreement. He knew not what a "douche bag" was, but if it meant a murdering Serafan bastard, it was appropriate.

"So um...kinda like his vampiric face but as a human. Ok?"

"Sure. Sounds easy. Would you like fries with that?" Tia responded sarcastically and held out her hands to Raziel who took them without hesitation. He really was too trusting at times.

Transformation completed, Raziel strode over to the mirror to see this new appearance. Satisfied with what he saw, he turned to his sire and his new companions. "Shall we then?"

The strange foursome strolled out under the noon sunshine, the former vampires reveling in its warmth and light. They seemed delighted that they could be about in its rays without harm, if one didn't count pesky melanoma.

It soon became apparent that they were attracting attention. One young woman stared at them so hard she ran into a pole and Kain chuckled with cruel amusement.

"Do mind yourself," he called back over his shoulder and the females around him shivered at his voice's low, delicious timbre. Lord love a duck, now he not only sounded like Simon Templeman, he looked like a younger version, thirty at most, with a body that would make a health club junkie weep.

Smoke could feel the angry, envious eyes all around her and moved closer to Raziel as if for protection. When she did so, she heard someone mutter, "Lucky bitch."

Tia alone seemed oblivious to the hateful glares in her direction as she stood stock still and looked up with wonder at the name of a store. "Shoes."

Smoke followed her gaze and nodded. "Shoes."

"Let's get some shoes."

The group headed into the store and Tia tried not to giggle as the small crowd behind them watched as the men with cute asses wiggled out of sight.

Excellent service," Kain commented with wry amusement as the slavering shop girl fitted him for the tenth pair of shoes.

Raziel's feet were equally worshiped by a young brunette. One half expected her to jump up into his lap and begin purring. Tia found herself the object of masculine affection while poor Smoke was stuck with the bitter balding middle-aged manager.

Between the four of them they must have bought twenty pairs of shoes and the Writer doubted they paid for half of them.

Exiting the store, they decided to head up the escalator to the movie theatre. Remembering Kain's love of gore, Smoke decided on Saw 4, even if she hated horror movies. Luckily she'd have Raziel's lap to hide her face in.

After arguing at the refreshment counter (The two vamps insisted on sampling everything simply because now they could) they found some vacant seats near the center. Kain noted with amusement the seats around the little party were empty because the rest of the audience seemed cowed by him.

After fifteen minutes of commercials and five more of previews, the movie began. Fortunate, because Kain was getting restless.

It was twenty minutes into the movie that problems began.

That was when the blood and gore really began to pour on the screen. While the women in the party turned away in disgust, he began laughing at the sheer absurdity. THIS was what passed for entertainment in this world? He had found the preview with the speaking vegetables more believable. Perhaps this movie was an unintentional comedy. Either way, it was most amusing.

A pimple faced youth cautiously approached Kain's seat. "Excuse me, sir? Could you keep it down? You're disturbing the other patrons."

Kain looked at the boy with contempt and began laughing at the screen. The young man cleared his throat and tried again. "Seriously sir, if you don't stop now I'll be forced to call security to escort you out of the theatre."

Kain smiled. Even without the vampiric visage, it was more than menacing. "You'd be brave to try."

The boy retreated from that expression and decided to return with his manager.

A stocky middle aged man with an air of authority approached Kain and said with stern politeness. "I'm sorry, sir, but where going to have to ask you and your party to leave the theatre."

Kain sighed. This was becoming tedious. He could snap this man's neck with one hand but decided it simply wasn't worth the effort. "Very well. Your movie was becoming tiresome. Let's be on our way." Rising to his feet he now towered over the manager, who wisely took a step back. Kain glided out of the theatre without even glancing to see if anyone was followed him. His three companions scurried to catch up with his long stride.

"And it hadn't even gotten to the good part yet." Smoke groused.

"Yeah, way to go, Kain."

Dissatisfied with the proposed entertainment, the group decided to make its way to a restaurant attached to the mall. It served steaks but it also had kareoke on the weekend. Smoke fervently hoped Kain didn't string up some hapless singer by his vocal cords.

After a quick perusal of the menu the vampires ordered the bloodiest steaks possible. Smoke had a steak of her own and a sudden squeamish Muse settled for pasta Al fredo. Their meal was frequently interrupted by an overly attentive wait staff and well-meaning free drinks. Kain claimed the majority of these and became more and more morose as the evening began. This became even worse once some got onstage and began singing "Missing" by Evanescence.

_You won't cry for my absence, I know -_

_You forgot me long ago._

_Am I that unimportant...?_

_Am I so insignificant...?_

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Kain sighed loudly and contemplated his now empty glass as if it were the chronoplast itself. "Umah..." he breathed.

Tia and Smoke glanced at each other nervously as Raziel blinked in surprise. "Umah? Forgive me, sire, but this is a name I have not heard you speak before."

Smoke slapped her forehead. Stupid numb nut, getting a drunken maudlin Kain to elaborate.

Kain sat up a bit straighter and began his tale of love and woe. "Long before your rebirth, I met a female vampire. She was a member of the Cabal, a vampire resistance movement fighting against the Hylden, a race who sought to destroy us and conquer Nosgoth."

Raziel seemed fascinated hearing about the softer side of his sire as the women hurried through their meal. "Had she lived, my son, she would have been my Queen, your mother. But alas, she feared what my rule would have meant to Nosgoth. She doubted I would be preferable to the Hylden regime. Thus, she betrayed me and I cannot tolerate disloyalty. So as much as it pained me, I killed her myself."

The younger vampire's face was rapt with attention while Smoke frantically signaled their server. She and Tia would need some serious Death by Chocolate for this.

Kain waited until the server left to continue. "I see now that her betrayal was necessary, for it was her destiny. Just as it was mine to rule Nosgoth and raise you and your brethren as my sons. Still...and I am loathe...to admit it...there is much I would give to see her...one more time..."

Raziel murmured sympathetically while the server returned with the women's desserts. The lieutenant was persuaded into sampling the chocolate while his sire grumpily downed the last of the complimentary alcohol. Really, enough was enough. If it had made him so sad to kill Umah, he shouldn't have done it in the first place. Dumb ass. Now Kain was about to out-emo Raziel. The Writer's eyes met the Muse's. There was a solution, but she hesitated to go through with it. It would mean messing with the laws of the universe. Again. Not to mention it could backfire horribly and they would be stuck with another displaced vampire.

Smoke paid the bill, left a five on the table and stood up. "Let's rock."


End file.
